


Touch

by Iresposts



Series: Belize [4]
Category: Animal Kingdom (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Multiple Partners, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-25 12:53:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16197941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iresposts/pseuds/Iresposts
Summary: Deran tries to trust Adrian in Belize, and after the break-up he tries to fill the gap left by Adrian with others. He doesn't succeed.





	Touch

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was betaed by @allthehearteyes, and reviewed by @dixiethumbelina @ocadktda and @Heather_Night, all of whom managed to reassure me in different ways. Thank you. 
> 
> Please be warned that this fic strays into dark territory, and if you've read previous parts, you'll know the sort of ground. Nonetheless, proceed with caution.

_Adrian (Belize)_

_A few days before_

Deran licked his lips as he drew away from Adrian’s crotch.

“So, are you going to let me do you this time?” Adrian asked Deran. He could tell when Deran got skittish. His hands shook a little and he couldn’t look Adrian directly. His eyes kept skating over him, and then around the room restlessly. Three blowjobs later and Adrian still didn’t know what was going on in that greasy blond head about sex. He was his best friend, but Deran could be a stranger right now.  

“Yes,” said Deran. Adrian was surprised at the quick agreement. “I’m not used to it,” Deran continued, “but I don’t care. It’s you, and I—” he didn’t finish, color leaving his face.

Adrian finished the thought because Deran couldn’t. Yes, he knew. He’d always known that Deran loved him in his obsessive way. It had been in every look and every touch, and not at all subtle. But this was different, because Adrian had never had sex with him. It was so odd his not wanting to be touched. It was like giving blowjobs somehow were Deran’s default, his currency and he was really confused by anything else. Adrian didn’t know what to make of it, but he’d seen it before in other contexts.

Trauma.

Someone had hurt his Deran badly and he needed care. He leaned down and drew Deran up from his crouched position between Adrian’s legs. He settled Deran facing away from himself, and wrapped his arms around him, spooning him lightly. Deran was vibrating with discomfort.

“It's just me. I'm here,” Adrian murmured into Deran’s neck. Deran simply nodded, and he relaxed a little. Adrian breathed in Deran’s smell, it was slightly rusty with sweat. He kissed his neck gently, then a little harder and Deran responded by moaning. Adrian then focused his interest on Deran’s ear, gently licked and traced the whorls. He was relieved he’d come already, so his cock wasn’t in the game, so he could take his time, gently loving Deran.

He nipped and bit, from neck to sinewy shoulder, then down to his pec. Adrian then climbed over Deran to face him. He felt like he needed the eye contact to reassure Deran it was him, and he was safe. Deran looked aroused, lips open, eyes glazed. Adrian caught Deran’s jaw and went for the kiss, which was slow and exploring, through and tender. Adrian then gave Deran’s nipples a lot of attention, until they were red, sore and erect. Adrian could tell that Deran liked that, a little rough edge to his play. Adrian felt more confident when Deran responded.

He slowly edged down, until he was at crotch height, with Deran’s erection millimetres away from his eager lips. Adrian looked up to gauge Deran’s reaction and froze when he caught Deran’s panicked expression. “What’s wrong?” Adrian sat up.

“No one’s ever done that before,” said Deran, “I’m not sure I want it.” He put his hand to his mouth as if he had wanted to stop the words from coming out.

“What do you mean?” Adrian asked.

Deran opened his mouth and shut it and then shook his head.

“You can tell me if something’s not OK.” Adrian reassured him, “How about we leave the blowjob for another day?” Adrian suggested. He wanted to touch Deran but wasn’t sure how he would react to it.

“OK,” Deran agreed, and some of the tension eased from his face. Adrian took that as his cue and slowly lay down again. He gave Deran plenty of warning before he laid an arm over him and burrowed in close. He could feel Deran’s cock hard against him but ignored it. If Deran didn’t want it, Adrian wasn’t going to push.

_Deran (Oceanside)_

Deran always thought of it as before and after Adrian. That first night when he’d felt his life had ended with _you can’t make me feel something I don’t_ he’d fucked Richard. It was weeks later – after Pendleton – he’d found out his name. Dick. He’d simply been a dick to fuck himself on and Deran had laughed so hard when he’d introduced himself. Like he cared whatever the fuck his name was.

He had meant it to be a one-time thing. But Richard was always there. At the glory hole in the restrooms by the creek some nights, and the ones by the forth chair at dusk on Tuesdays. He was always there, and most of the time they fucked. Deran bought lube now in little sachets, and took PrEP daily, and he didn’t say no to the hundred-dollar bill at the end.

Some nights it was two or three hundred dollars depending on the configuration and who wanted what. Deran didn’t care as long as he wasn’t empty where he’d had Adrian. He was on the app now too, because he didn’t give a shit about who saw him. He’d broken free of that at least. No more hiding his face and body. A blowjob was a blowjob.

But he always went back to the gloryholing. He needed it because it reaffirmed everything about his sexuality that wasn’t to do with Adrian. From that moment at that truck stop onwards, he’d wanted his body to be used. It turned him on like crazy. That time between Belize and Richard – the time with Adrian – was the only time he’d not needed that. But Adrian was never coming back.

He’d seen Adrian with a man. Just walking out of the grocery store. Smiling at each other in an intimate way. Just the one shopping cart between them.

So Deran was in the stall now. The lid was down on the toilet, and he was braced against it as the man fucked him from behind. Salt and pepper hair, and a young-looking face. It took ages for Deran to come from fucking, and he really needed it to hurt for it to work. Sometimes he thought about Adrian fucking him, but then it would be gone. Adrian had never fucked him. If only he could see him now, being dicked out good by these guys.

It was only when his vision went blurry that he realized he was crying. Great big desperate sobs, just exploding out of his chest, and racking his body.

“What the hell man? How’s that supposed to work?” The man pulled out and Deran slumped forward, face resting against the lid, butt to the ground.

“Fuck off then,” said Deran uncaring.

“I’m not paying you,” he said.

“Whatever, man.” Deran heard him snap off the condom and it landed wetly against his back, before sliding down. Deran didn’t flinch. The door banged open and hit Deran’s heel. He cried out, but it didn’t hurt as much as the pain in his chest. You can _never_ make me feel something I don’t. Adrian’s words had changed, become final.

The door shut again and then there were arms around him, holding him close. Richard. Deran struggled in his grip weakly. He couldn’t see Richard’s face and didn’t know if it would turn into a choking grip or a head lock.

“It’s me. I’m here,” said Richard. Deran swallowed hard at those words. They were like what Adrian had said to him that day, that first proper day in Belize. Those words had meant something then, and despite himself he felt himself being comforted. The arms around him helped. But he didn’t want this from anyone else but Adrian, so he shook him off. Deran just needed his dick to fuck him and make him forget Adrian.

“Nah, just fuck me man, I need to get off,” said Deran.

“OK,” replied Richard, wearily. Deran heard the condom being put on and then his hips were lifted, and he was being fucked again. There was no patience in the movements, just a steady thrust expertly hitting his prostrate. Whatever he lacked, Richard was good at fucking. After the first time there hadn’t been any blood, he’d gone easier on Deran. Deran didn’t want to say that wasn’t what he wanted.

Deran stroked his own cock, trying to match Richard’s pace. It was good, a wet heavy sweetness flooding his limbs as he got nearer. His balls tightened, and he kept going, his movements getting erratic. Richard’s thrusts were getting faster and more violent and pushing Deran forward. With each one Deran’s head smacked softly against the steel wall in front of the cistern, and Deran liked that too, that little bit of pain. Deran kept jerking himself, pulling roughly at his cock. Richard didn’t take much longer after that. Deran knew he’d come when he felt him grunt. His cue. Deran sped up his movements, but still hadn’t finished when Richard came. Deran gave up. There was no way he was going to come now without others, not with that empty space inside him. Richard pulled out abruptly and Deran let out a quick gasp at the sudden loss.

Deran collapsed onto his knees again. He lifted his head up turned around and gave Richard a cold look, and said “Send the next one in.” Deran had the satisfaction of seeing his face crumple a little. Good. He didn’t need any fucking sympathy.

Richard stepped into clothing, and carefully placed the cash into the nest of Deran’s clothes.

Deran didn’t bother to turn around when the door opened again, just lifted himself up and spread his ass. The cock went it smoothly and he was being fucked again. Not as good as Richard this one, more cautious, just a little bit hesitant. Not someone who did this regularly probably.

“Harder,” said Deran. The man complied. Deran went back to jerking himself, nearly there. He could feel himself drawing up, the heat building. The man’s thrusts got irregular, and then he flooded Deran’s ass. “Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding,” he said. The man finished and pulled out. Deran felt behind him and went cold. He hadn’t put on a condom so there was come seeping out of his ass. And Deran still hadn’t come. Fucking douchebag.

“Next!” He yelled even before the man had finished sorting out his clothes. The next man did the job, and Deran came finally. He didn’t let the man finish. Just wriggled out of his grasp and punched him in the face. The man went down satisfactorily fast and Deran kicked him until he felt better. Deran put his clothes on after carefully tucking the cash into his pocket and went outside.

Richard was waiting for him, smoking. He didn’t say anything. Just put his arm around Deran’s shoulder. Deran shook him off again. “Don’t you get it man? Just fuck off,” he said.

“I’m one of Connor’s friends. We’ve met before. I know you don’t recognize me. But do you like want to do something? Eat something?”

“Why the hell are you boring me with this shit man?”

“I know you love Adrian Dolan. I don’t care. I just think you’re OK to be with when you’re not trying to fuck him out.”

“Fuck off,” said Deran again.

“Alright dude. I get the point. See you next Tuesday.”


End file.
